


The Tiny Kindness

by Barry_Manilows_Wardrobe



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-29
Updated: 2017-06-29
Packaged: 2018-11-20 17:20:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11339916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Barry_Manilows_Wardrobe/pseuds/Barry_Manilows_Wardrobe
Summary: After witnessing a hit and run, Remus and Sirius are on the case.





	The Tiny Kindness

**Author's Note:**

> Based on: [The Awl's Everything Changes](http://mailchi.mp/theawl/eleanorbot-161489?e=080e740b39).

“I don’t know why we don’t just go to the one in Metroland, Moony,” Sirius said from the passenger seat, the air-conditioning (it _was_ 25 degrees) ruffling his dark hair now liberally salted with white.  Even Sirius’ greys were lovely - a brilliant white all concentrated in the front as if on purpose - unlike Remus’ which never seemed to lay right.  “The parking here is always atrocious.”

“I’m not going to waste the petrol driving out to Metroland when we have a perfectly good Tesco in our own neighborhood, Pads.”

“I’m doing my best not to mention that standing for 20 minutes waiting for that obscenely large Ford Expedition to leave uses just as much petrol.”

“Thanks for your thoughtfulness, love.”

“Any time.”

Remus turned off the air-conditioning.

“Now you’re just being passive aggressive.”

“I’m conserving petrol.”  Remus continued to watch the obscenely large vehicle he’d made way for.  Eventually the driver - a middle aged man in check bermuda shorts - would give it up.  It was a prime spot, too.  Four spots from the entrance and near the shopping carts.  Remus usually tried for a back spot, he enjoyed getting the extra steps in, but Sirius always complained about the walk.  Remus didn’t know how a man who spent two hours everyday at the gym couldn’t be bothered to walk the 15m to the entrance.  He supposed it was due to the tightness of Sirius’ designer jeans.  It was almost indecent.  But as long as he didn’t have to wear them, Remus appreciated the effort.

Sirius had his reading glasses on.  He’d hated them until their nephew, Harry, told them that he looked very stylish: heavy black frames that suited his face.  Remus wondered if he could pay Harry to convince Sirius of how trendy it was to empty the dishwasher.  “Did we get more hummus last time?”

“I did throw away something fuzzy that _said_ it was hummus.  So I would say no.”

“Should we go crazy and go for the rosemary lemon?  Ooh, or the roasted red-pepper!”  

“We bought roasted red-pepper last time.  And you never touched it.  I don’t think we should continue to purchase hummus if no one eats it.”

“I thought you liked hummus?”  Sirius was so earnest that Remus put aside his frustrations with the Tesco parking lot and smiled.

“I do.  But I like the kind with the whole chickpeas.  It’s in the specialty aisle and doesn’t last as long, though.”  Remus had learnt early to never tell Sirius what he liked.  He would immediately go out and purchase it.  The gold locket had sealed it though.   _I said I liked it for Lily.  Not for me, you tosser_.  

“I put hummus with whole chickpeas on the list.”

“Oh, I think he’s finally leaving.”

“What do you suppose he was doing in there for so long?  It’s not like the Tesco parking lot is one of Time Out’s prime hotspots.” 

“Maybe it is.  It would explain the traffic.”  Remus put the car in reverse, after checking the rearview mirror for anyone behind, and gave the Explorer more room.  “Although I suspect he was on his mobile.”  Remus was a one-man anti-mobile crusader.  He was not making a lot of headway with his family however.  Teddy’d had one since he was eight.  After Sirius gave it to him, Remus didn’t have the heart to then take it away.  And Sirius had three.  One for work, one for home, and one for what Remus could only assume were assignations.  Remus still had a flip.

The white Explorer’s taillights flickered to life as he inched out of the space.  It was a very large vehicle.  “I think we should get some Jaffa Cakes.”

“I don’t even think they’re made out of actual consumable ingredients.”

“I know.  They’re made out of magic.”  Remus saw Sirius adding it, from the corner of his eye, with his very beautiful penmanship.  He turned to look back at the Explorer.  After a beat, he said, “Well now.”  And Remus knew he’d seen it.   _Sirius’ Arse_ , added to all shopping lists since 1981.  “Sirius’ arse _is_ a very popular commodity at the Lupin-Black household.”

“Indeed,” Remus quipped.  “Oh, he’s nearly out now.”  Sirius looked up just in time to witness the inciting incident.

Having extricated itself from the spot, the Explorer then managed to swipe the rear bumper of the next car over.  Cars being what they were in the modern era, a common complaint from Sirius, he did quite a good deal of damage to it.  “That whole things going to have to be replaced.  You're looking at nearly £6000 of work.”

“I suppose I’ll have to wait until he jots down his registration for the owner.”

But to their mutual shock, the Explorer did not stop.  Instead it drove to the end of the row of vehicles and signalled a right turn.  “That is just not right,” Sirius said, hazarding a glance at the list once more.  He had jotted _white Ford Explorer_ in the margin.

“Too right,” Remus said.  And made a snap decision, which was very unlike him.  “Make sure your seatbelt is fastened, Pads.”  

“Are we giving up the spot?  We’ve been waiting nearly a half hour!”  Remus rather spectacularly (he would never be able to replicate the maneuver) rolled his sunglasses from the dash while he drove past the spot and signalled the right.  He had them on when he made the turn.  “Remus, the hummus!” 

“Screw the hummus, Pads.  We have bigger fish to fry.”

Sirius’ grin was electric.  “Oh my goodness.  You’re actually going to follow him, aren’t you?”  He had swapped his reading glasses for a very stylish pair of sunglasses.  Remus and Sirius had the same sunglasses: black Ray-Bans.  They were a classic.  “I’m going to Tweet this!”  

“Just keep your eyes on the Explorer.  We don’t want him to shake us.”

“That’s highly unlikely as his vehicle is the size of a boat.  Teddy wants to know if this is really happening.”

“Focus, Sirius.  How many black Mercedes are there in Camberwick?” 

“Quite a few, I’d venture.  Our house is valued at nearly £2 million.”  

“He’s gone left!”  There was a vehicle between Remus and Sirius that was taking it’s sweet time in choosing a row to turn down.  “For God’s sake man, choose a row!”  Remus screamed out the window.  Sirius was laughing and furiously typing into his phone in the passenger seat.  

By the time they’d exited the Tesco parking lot, they had nearly lost him.  “He’s just made a left on High Street.”

Remus daringly accelerated to 31mph in deference to the jump he had on them.  All the while Sirius’ phone was popping madly.

“He’s caught at the light.  In front of the Mini.  With the Union Jack.  What Englishman would, in his right mind, put a Union Jack on their vehicle?”  Remus knew the question was rhetorical as they had seen the vehicle in question more than once and Sirius had asked the same question on at least two other occasions.  “If this wasn’t a matter of national security, I would have you follow the Mini.”  He snapped several shots of the car in question.  And then himself as the wind ruffled his hair.  Presumably rakishly.

Remus followed behind, trying to keep at least one car length behind the Explorer, as he followed him.  “Remus.  Did you just, willingly, drive through a yellow?”

“Shush you.”

“Oh, I really think I fancy this side of you.”

“It’s a matter of common courtesy, Pads,” Remus tried to explain while navigating an upcoming traffic circle.  “And my common courtesy has been offended.  Are you close enough for a license shot?”

“I’m not sure I can post someone’s license plate on Twitter, Remus.”

“For insurance purposes!  We’re not doing this for your legion of followers.”

“Oh, yes, of course.”  A flurry of mechanized snaps later, Sirius said, “I think I’ve got to have a good one in here.”  Remus slowed up just a bit.  “Oh no.” 

“Oh no, what?” 

“They’re all of my lap.”  Remus turned for a moment to look at Sirius’ screen - large enough for the vehicle alongside to see, no doubt - and saw that Sirius had taken ten shots of his lap.  And by lap he meant crotch.  “I must have forgotten to turn the camera.”

“The trials and tribulations of Sirius Black.  You posted those up anyway, didn’t you?”

“Well…”

“Let me go round the circle again and I think we can catch up to him.  Have you turned the camera?”  

“Yes.”

“I told you that selfies would lead to perdition.”

“You said the same thing about the Teletubbies.”

“And I reiterate that nothing good could come out of terrycloth.”  Sirius nodded his agreement.  He mouthed _Romper_.  “Oh, there he is!”

“I think he’s going into Starbucks.”

“That parking lot is even worse than Tesco’s.  We’ll never be able to get a spot and still remain incognito.”

“Go down the side street.  We can park at the curb and we’ll still be able to see her.”

“It’s a red zone."

“Put on the hazards, Moony!”

So Remus did and then he did.  “Get some pictures of his car, Sirius.”  Sirius did so, utilizing his considerable talent for flattering shots and various filters.  

“Here.”  Sirius handed him the phone.

“Why are there confetti gifs on all the photos you took?” 

“You know what a gif is?”

Remus rolled his eyes, although it was hard to see it through his glasses.  “I am aware that the internet exists, Pads.  I did send you all those flat faced cat memes.  I don’t need to own a selfie-stick to prove it.”

“That was very necessary for my branding.”

“The Fit Grandpa brand?”

Sirius looked outraged.  “I think the ‘grandpa’ qualifier was completely unnecessary.  My handsomeness transcends age.  Besides, I don’t look any older than, oh, 35.”

“Of course you do.  I get asked about my arm-candy all the time at parties.”

“Sometimes, Remus, you are just a wanker.”

“I like to think of myself as grounding.”  There was relatively little heat in their banter, Remus’ left hand on Sirius’ well-photographed right thigh and Sirius’ cheek against Remus’ left shoulder.  

“He does have a precedent for dawdling, Remus.  Maybe one of us should _actually_ go inside.”

“It should probably be me.  You’re too fit.   _Grandpa_.”  Sirius hit him on the arm as Remus exited the Mercedes.  

“Can you get me a Caramel Cocoa Cluster Frappuccino?  With extra whipped cream.”

“Are we or are we not keeping a low profile?”

“Pleassssse.”

Remus knew this could not be won.  “As you wish, your highness.”

“Don’t lay it on too thick, Remus.  I am just a Lord.”  

Tactically retreating, Remus entered the shop and found that the Explorer’s driver was only two bodies ahead of him.  He daren’t remove his sunglasses, although it was rather dim inside, and as an added precaution picked up a newspaper to hide his face.  The person in front of him gave him what he felt was a suspicious look and Remus gave him what he thought was his _nothing-to-see-here_ smile.  It seemed to work as the gentleman turned to face the counter again.

He was momentarily startled to discover - via the Guardian - that fecal matter had been found in Starbucks' ice.  Weighing health concerns against Sirius’ continued good health, he decided to order something warm instead.  Something without ice.  It was _only_ 24 degrees.  And weren’t you supposed to drink hot beverages on hot days anyway?

Explorer obtained his own iced drink - _Enjoy the fecal ice, you bumper swiper_ \- and then exited the shop.  Turning, he saw Sirius in the parking lot.  Next to the Explorer!  There was no doubt it was Sirius as he was walking very carefully in his tight jeans.  They did rather suit him, Remus had to concede.   _The posh bastard_.

As he was at the counter, Remus felt beholden to order and picked up his two hot chai lattes (with almond milk) in an agonizingly slow amount of time.  There was no reason to begrudge himself a latte even during a stakeout.  And Remus did enjoy his chai.  Even while Sirius was almost undoubtedly botching the job.  

When he exited the building, Sirius was back in the passenger seat of the Mercedes looking rather pleased with himself.  “Before you ask,” Remus headed off, handing Sirius the latte, “There is apparently fecal matter in Starbucks' ice.  So I got you a hot drink.”

“Always looking out for me, you are.”  Sirius took the cup and then gave Remus the sort of smile that often prefaced something either wildly brilliant or completely unsafe.  “But before you ask.  I was able to gather more information.”

“Oh?”  Remus was almost afraid to ask.

“The Explorer’s driver is named Mel.  He's 51 and from Wibley.  Married.”

“Did you make contact with our target?  Doesn’t that break some sort of investigative code?”  All of Remus’ investigative knowledge came from watching _Luther_.

Sirius waved him off.  “I put myself on the line here, Moony.  I had to fawn over his land-boat for this information.  I also have a shot of the vehicle registration number and documentation of his front bumper.  I’m fairly certain there was paint transfer.”

Remus, having securely placed his drink in the cupholder, gave Sirius a very thorough kiss.  It would have gone into rather inappropriate territory but for the passing of a woman and her dog. 

Their business with the Explorer done, Remus drove them back to Tesco (still a writhing cesspool of humanity) and back towards the vehicle that had been swiped.  A young man was looking over the bumper.  Remus knew at that age it would have been a very large blow.  Sirius rolled down the window (having convinced Remus to turn on the air again).  “Excuse me.”

“Sorry, but I’m not giving up my spot.”

Sirius collected himself, clearly disturbed at being mistaken as someone who would barter for a spot at Tesco's, and then explained, “My husband and I witnessed the incident with your bumper.  We’ve just returned from a high speed pursuit and if you would give me your number,” Sirius held one of his phones aloft, “I can send you pictures of the vehicle, license plate, and even the vehicle registration number.”

“Why are there confetti gifs on all these photos?”

“Don’t ask,” Remus said over Sirius.  “You really don’t want to know.”

  
  


“So we didn’t get the hummus,” Sirius said somewhat later, propped up next to Remus in bed.  He was doing something on his phone, reading glasses on, while Remus tried to read another chapter of _The Vegetarian_.  He had been trying to finish the book since Christmas.

“No, I suppose we didn’t.”

“Do you want to try again tomorrow?”  He sounded far more excited than he ever did when faced with the prospect of shopping.  Unless it was for him.

“We could.  Or we could just send Teddy round.”

“But what if our services are needed?”

“Services?”

“Yes, the sleuthing prowess of Messrs Moony and Padfoot.” Remus couldn’t tell if Sirius was laughing or serious.  Maybe they were the same thing.  “You’re quite sexy when you’re on the case.”

“Is that so?”  Remus put down his book.  Again.

“I have a case for you to solve.”

“Oh?”

Sirius turned off the lights.

  
  
  
  
  



End file.
